The Ego Drives a Wedge

I have been silent again. Only in print and most definitely not in heart and mind. There is so much chaos in the world and my silence is not due to a lack of discernment. As always, there are times to speak and times to listen. For the past eight or so months, I have been listening and trying to understand the madness. And, for the life of me, the only conclusion I come to is EGO. With ego comes pride. With pride comes the selfish nature of every single human on the planet. With the selfish nature of humanity comes the inability to show empathy. Without empathy comes the inability to compromise. Without the ability to compromise comes constant, vicious degrading of others around us. So, how do we end the chaos? We start within ourselves. Whether we “think” we are at fault or not, we all need to dive deep down and check on our own ego.

Being raised in a Christian home, things such as the “Golden Rule” were part of my understanding of morality. If you are familiar with the Bible you will know that Matthew 7: 12-14 tells us to treat others how we would want to be treated. If you’re not familiar with the Bible and are of a different faith, I would bet there is a similar proverb. My studies have shown me that most teachings of faith are very similar in how to live life peacefully among one another. Some of you would say, how can I go about treating them with kindness when they are horrible people! How can I treat them well when they have done this and that? With these comments, I can totally relate. But here is what I am certain of, the inability to forgive or empathize with someone on the opposite side of a situation will lead to bitterness. Bitterness is not easily shaken once it has taken hold of your mind. And, if I’m being completely honest, that bitterness you hold on to is not the result of the other person, but merely your reaction to them and your ego at play. I am not perfect and have fallen short many times. My ego creeps out and tries to steal the show often. On the contrary, I know change can only come through mutual respect and clarity of mind. And, if we continue letting our minds be undone by others around us, the ego almost always kicks in overdrive. When has arguing and belittling ever led to a profound philosophical revolution? Needless to say, I have tried teaching my children this proverb. They are the future of this planet and are the ones we should be investing in. I continue telling them it doesn’t matter how many times we fall, dust yourself back off, apologize and try again. Continuing to rid ourselves of ego is easier said than done.

Every human being was placed on this earth the same way… regardless how you believe that happened. And, pushing aside how you arrived on the planet, we were all created in likeness. We are all humans with a mind and a heart. We all want to love and be loved. I’d venture to say no one would choose a life of loneliness or a life of constant turmoil. With this in mind, I also know many of us were born into environments that have given us easier paths and others much harder in a multitude of ways. This is where empathy comes to play. For one instant, take yourself out of the equation. Get rid of the ego and focus your attention on the other person. Try your hardest to see how their perspective might differ from yours. Instead of passing judgment, imagine yourself in a similar situation. If you don’t agree, fine. I will tell you that stating your opinion in a harsh way will not in any circumstance change any person’s mind. In fact, you are more than likely arguing your point because of your ego and the need to reassure yourself that your thought patterns are correct. Instead, if you’re not ready to compromise, walk away and reflect without speaking through emotion. If you do agree or can find empathy for someone, voice your support. That’s what humans are here for. Love. We want to be loved.

I, of course, have personal beliefs about this current election and am praying it turns out the way I voted. However, if it doesn’t, arguing will not change that. Pouting will not change that. My ego will want to argue. My ego will want to pout and place blame. My ego will want everyone around me to also believe the same that I believe. But, me acting out will not be living by the golden rule. My outburst will not be treating others how I want to be treated because I most definitely don’t want to hear this type of reaction coming from the other side (or anywhere between). These are all basic lessons we teach our own children (or at least should be) and we as adults need to model it.

While we grapple with all the mayhem in the world, I would challenge everyone at some point in each day to check their ego. I truly believe this is where the problem lies. From the top of our government to the very last citizen. Ego is driving a wedge. Are there ways your ego is leading you astray? This is not so much an outward fight as it may appear, but one in the inside. Everything in life depends on the state of our mind.

Strength and Fragility

We have been home over a month now. And, I would say that other than the terrible weather, it has been refreshing for me. We have been able to continue this new lifestyle we’ve embraced, a little closer to family.

I will be honest in saying that I do miss the travel. I miss visiting new towns and observing how others live in various parts of the country. But, I also love being able to spend time with family and friends. Thus, I’ve come to realize that living far from “home” isn’t in the cards for me. I guess I never really thought it was. This adventure wasn’t intended to be a permanent thing, but merely an experiment. I’m pretty certain that this entire life change was more or less a way of running. I was running hard and fast. And, now that I’ve had plenty of time to process my thoughts, I realize I was running from myself.

My last year of teaching was the hardest year I’ve experienced both professionally and personally. I was merely surviving each day both at work and at home. Hence, the life altering decision to run. While I don’t think running is necessarily a good thing, I am very thankful we were able to do it.

I know that if we hadn’t bought an RV, sold the house, and quit our jobs, I wouldn’t have learned things about myself that I know now. For so long, I have felt like I was literally losing my mind. I was finding it hard to cope in every day settings and feeling very down on myself for my inability to get anything right.

One of the first things I did upon returning home was make an appointment with a therapist. I knew I needed to seek advice from someone outside of my circle. I needed someone without any bias and a fresh set of lenses to see through. At the conclusion of my first therapy session, the therapist was pretty confident in her diagnosis, but wanted it to be confirmed with further testing. Therefore, I visited a psychiatrist who felt certain this diagnosis was correct. I wasn’t actually surprised when they labeled me Bipolar 2 (There is a big difference between Bipolar 1 and 2 in case you weren’t aware.). With all of my newly found down time, my patterns were obvious and so were the ups and downs. I may have panicked slightly (to the point of having to lay flat on my back I. The office) when they explained Bipolar 2 and how I may have been treating the wrong condition for some time now, but I was also thankful to have answers. I guess all of my crazy actually had a cause behind it and that this condition is manageable with help.

So, the next question is where do I go from here. Obviously, continued therapy and medication are first on the list. Yoga has been a big help in helping me stay mindful. My family has been very supportive with my decision not to return to teaching full-time. Kermie has stepped up to the plate and made it his mission to allow me to keep teaching the kids at home and continue working on myself. We probably won’t do a ton of traveling in the next little bit as we are exploring options of finding a home base. This will more than likely include us still being full-time RVers, but having a space of our own. Right now is a waiting game until we find what will work for us. Waiting and patience have always been difficult for me, but I’m excited with the possibilities of what comes next.

Until next time, I’ll leave you with a few of my favorite recent pins and pictures. And, to anyone dealing with mental illness, you are not alone.

Momma got a car!

Homeschooling has its perks 😍

The Gifts We Give

If there is one thing I am most thankful for this holiday season, I honestly don’t know that I can pinpoint it. Instead, this morning, as I sit in stillness, drinking my coffee in front of the Christmas tree, I am overwhelmed by gratefulness for life itself. I recognize this feeling, but if I am honest, it isn’t one that I have felt often in life. I remember feeling this way after my car accident and maybe after the birth of my children, but unfortunately, it isn’t one I find myself reveling in.

This sounds terrible I know, but I am usually so busy with life that I find myself grumbling about the smallest mishaps that happen daily. I get bogged down by the things that aren’t happening in my favor. Comparison steals my joy and I find it hard to find gratefulness. Being human is tough and oh so humbling at the same time. I have felt guilty for these feelings my entire life. How can I feel these terrible things and have such a hard time feeling gratitude when I have an abundance of life to be thankful for?

This holiday season is much different for my family. We are living in our RV which is smaller than any other home we’ve had previously, our tree is about five feet smaller than usual, and there are only a handful of gifts under this tree. Because of our budget, we didn’t spend on gifts for family other than our own children and even their gifts are small compared to the usual. I will be honest by telling you I initially felt bad about not being able to give to my family, but now that the time has come, I am thankful for the experience. I have found this holiday season much more intentional than ever before. I’m not worrying that my family will like my gifts, but hoping they enjoy my company instead. I haven’t had the usual lists of things to shop for and the stress that accompanies it. Of course I’d love to be able to buy all the things for everyone I love, but I am learning that spending time and truly enjoying each moment is what counts. I am not stupid. I’ve known these things my whole life, yet get caught up in the madness with the rest of the world. And, I find it astonishing that it takes a huge life change for me to truly see it.

I hope and pray that whatever direction God takes us in the next years of our life, I don’t lose this perspective. No matter what is going on around us, no matter how horrible a situation might seem, no matter how wonderful a situation may appear, I always want to remember the true meaning of Christmas. And, not just Christmas, but every single day. Life is truly meant to be lived in service to others, but not at the expense of losing yourself in the process. I am thankful for Jesus and the precious gift He gave me. How great is the gift of unwavering forgiveness, continuous love, and the ability to start new at any given moment? I’d like to think that these are the kinds of gifts we strive to give others as well. Gifts of hope and renewal. Gifts of forgiveness and kindness. Gifts of stillness and strength when life gets tough.

I hope everyone has a very wonderful holiday season and can find a glimmer of thankfulness regardless of the situation. I am thankful for each of you and pray you find peace and hope in the days to come.

Cultivating: Beautiful Plants and Beautiful Humans

If there is any form of “housework” I enjoy doing, it would be yardwork.  I prefer mowing and digging in the dirt over folding laundry and doing dishes every time.  Being outside brings peace and relaxation in general.  But, there’s also something about starting with nothing more than a seedling or small plant and watching it grow into something so pleasing to the eye and the soul.  Of course, the process takes time and sometimes doesn’t go quite as planned.  Maybe I forget to water or the roots don’t take to the soil.  Sometimes critters invade and damage what progress that was made.  Either way, I truly enjoy the process of growing plants.

One of the books I am reading this summer and am loving is called, Mindset:  The New Psychology of Success.  If you haven’t read it, I definitely recommend it to anyone looking to better themselves.  A big push right now in education is something called the growth mindset.  This book compares the fixed mindset and the growth mindset.  Basically, all people have one of the two types, but can change from one to the other.  Most people are taught that a person’s genetic intelligence (IQ) is the determining factor for his or her overall potential (aka the “fixed mindset”).  This book describes how not only our genetic makeup, but our passions, hard work, and even training can cultivate our capacity for learning.  As an educator, it is crucial to maintain and teach the growth mindset.  A child’s success is not determined by one score or one attempt on a task.  For this matter, a child’s success isn’t even determined by his or her entire school career.  Just the same, an adult’s success isn’t determined by individual life events.  Acquiring the growth mindset works both ways, for those that see success right away and those that may fail many times.  Even those that “get it” right away need to continue pushing themselves instead of focusing on their ability to “get it” faster than the rest.  It’s all about continuing to develop yourself.

As I was reading on the porch swing tonight, I noticed a connection between my love for gardening and teaching people (mainly tiny people 🙂 ).  Gardening is a process.  Along the way you see growth, budding blooms, wilting leaves, vines growing in disarray, branches that need more support, and occasionally a plant on the verge of death.  Teaching a child and even an adult to adopt a growth mindset is much the same.  Whether you are learning math, getting your dream job, paying off debt, or learning a new sport it’s not about immediate success.  The real accomplishment is about confronting obstacles that may stand in the way and making whatever amount of progress you can.  And, real peace comes when you learn to be content throughout the process and not giving up on your end goals.

 

Rekindled Passion

There are several layers to the photograph above, but let me start with the most obvious.  I am in no means symmetrical and it took me like 20 tries to get a picture I felt remotely okay with putting in this blog post.  When I see pictures of myself nowadays, I’m usually thrown back a second or two.  For thirty some years I saw myself in photographs and didn’t think much of any of them.   In fact, I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about taking a picture if someone wanted me to.  My sentiment isn’t quite the same anymore which disappoints me for a couple reasons.  One, why do I care what I look like on the outside and two, why do I let my physical appearances steal my peace?  I’m sure to some this seems extremely vain, and it probably is.  To me though, it is like learning a slightly new identity.  When I don’t look in the mirror or see myself in pictures often, I feel like the same Brooke I’ve always been.  On the other hand, each time I see myself now, I’m reminded of the scars that have both physically and emotionally changed my life.  While I know things could be MUCH worse, it is still a constant battle in my mind.  However, just when I start in on the pity party,  I remind myself that 95% of the changes that happened because of my car accident have been positive and brought me to a much deeper revelation of God’s purpose for my life.

The second layer of this photograph is my love for physical exercise that was rekindled this past year (if you can’t tell, I am drenched in sweat!).  I don’t know about anyone else, but I went to college (skipped out on all of the social aspects you hear about), got married young, started teaching, and had children all by the age of 23.  None of this would I change, but somewhere along the journey I let go some of the things that brought me both peace and joy.  Growing up, I was never the most athletic person, but I always loved pushing myself to the limit when it came to any type of physical competition.  I loved music and I loved to dance.  It wasn’t until a little over a year ago that I consistently started Jazzercise and began feeling that spark that I once had.  Now, I know that when most people think of Jazzercise, they don’t think intense physical exertion, but I will be the first to tell you that mentality is wrong!  There are times I feel I may pass out, vomit, stop breathing, or never be able to walk again.  It didn’t take long for me to feel “whole” again and crave the workout.  I set a goal to go at least three times each week and was able to reach that goal.  Not only has Jazzercise helped me feel the strongest I’ve been since high school, but the energy level I’m able to maintain  is amazing!  Fitting in my clothes is another perk as is the curbed anxiety I used to deal with even on meds.  By 9 o’clock this morning I had over 6,000 steps and I’ve not felt guilty about eating quite a few sweets.

If there’s anything I’d like my audience to get out of this post, it would be two-fold.  First, take the picture and be happy with the skin you’re in at that very moment.  Don’t look at the past or the future.  You are beautiful just how you are.  Second, don’t waste another second thinking you can’t be strong and your “golden” days are over.  It takes time and isn’t a walk at the park, but getting up and getting to the gym class/video is the hardest part.  It is a mental game that you can win, you just have to start.

Why Peace?

I’ve toyed with the idea of starting a new blog for a while now.  Blogging is something I’ve done in the past and enjoyed.  It started out very informal and focused on the daily events that took place in our lives.  Soon enough, it ventured into my teaching career and eventually went back into my personal life with a more vague focus.  Writing is something I love to do, and even think multiple times every day, “This would be a great blog post or chapter in a book.”  I’ve even sat down to attempt a book on multiple occasions. but each time my mind becomes overwhelmed by the complexity of organizing something like that.  Blogging, though, is something my mind can handle.  I can put my thoughts down and almost immediately publish them with a sense of satisfaction.  On the other hand, my biggest downfall is consistency.  Who wants to read a blog that only gets updated once a month?  And, who really wants to read about what my family is doing each day?  So, as I’ve contemplated the idea of starting a new blog, I’ve thought long and hard about the devotion that would need to go into it.  I’ve also prayed long and hard about the content in which I’d like my posts to be centered around which has brought me to my blog title:  RelentlessPursuitofPeace.

Why peace?  Well, if there is one thing I struggle with on a daily basis, it is finding the balance between life’s hustle and bustle and the true peace God can provide if we seek it.  I struggle with staying content and truly being happy in each moment of every day.  And, I’ve heard countless others share of very similar struggles.  My roles and responsibilities in life are many which are a blessing, but at times I have difficulty seeking the joy in each of those responsibilities.  So, my hope is that by sharing my struggles and blessings daily others will too find the joy that life offers.

1 Peter 3: 10-11 says something like this, “Let him who means to love life and see good days, seek peace and pursue it.”

In my eyes, peace is a choice.  It is not something you eventually obtain and keep, but something you have to work hard to maintain.  Peace is what allows us to “accept” and “make sense”  in all of life’s experiences that are beyond our understanding.  In my role as a woman, Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, etc.  there are many situations that steal my peace.  I’m only being honest when I say this is a daily struggle for me.  I’d like to share these life experiences with you in hope that we can both find assurance,  a sense of unity, and peace that is overflowing.